Mulching Fantastic

June 29, 2017

Dear Friends,

I am writing to you from the edge of my kitchen table, just a few short days into summer break. For the kids, obvs. For parents, normal life marches on through the summer…mostly. You do have a few added chores like parent taxis, and drying all the swim clothes. Adding to our early summer time joy, me and Kenny decided to mulch our yard ourselves, instead of hiring that shizz out. You know – cheaper, relatively easy, enjoy the sun, get some fresh air, good to do some manual labor and all that. It’s joyful work on a number of levels:

  1. The little splinters that finely coat your clothes and later find their way into every single part of your body. We’re talking splinters so small, they are invisible to the naked eye, and you only ever know they are there when you brush whatever body part against a harder surface and yelp out in pain, bee sting style. Every time it happens.
  2. Ass crack for the neighbors for dayzzzzz, my friends. Dayzzz. Free shows for all. Apparently even when you tuck in your shirt. It’s like jacked up outdoor yoga with splinters and peeky cheeks. Can’t unsee that. Sorry. Truly.
  3. Three separate trips to Home Depot because who the eff can estimate how many cubic feet of mulch one needs to get enough bags in one fell swoop? (Clearly not me. Or Kenny. He estimated 2 bags. We needed twelve, folks. Twelve. As in one-two. As in ten more than he thought. I’m hoping he went with two because he felt bad about me going to Home Depot and loading it up myself.)

Speaking of mulch-fetching Home Depot trips, keep your eye out for a viral video from a local store. There may have been a woman there loading up a flat bed cart with bags of mulch…on her second mulch shopping trip because she (or her husband, ahem!) may have underestimated how much mulch they actually needed. One bag may have slid off the top of three bags neatly stacked on the flat bed cart. The woman may have leaned over in a rescue attempt, banged her shin on the cart, went off-kilter, and instead of releasing the bag of mulch she was trying to save to free up her hands to catch herself, instead did not and face planted into the entire mulch display at Home Depot. There may have been a few construction-type spectator dudes. One of them may have said, “Ah, can I help you? Um, ah…I guess it’s too late now.”

Yea, buddy, it was. But thank you. And Kenny, turns out that if you felt bad about me loading up a cart and car with mulch bags, it was probably a good call. On the plus side: I’ve perfected the walk of shame out of Home Depot. Hahaha. Added bonus: summer also means sunglasses, and thank God I am a big fan of big sunglasses.





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