“…I still don’t understand why it happened.”

“…I still don’t understand why it happened.”

Sep 11, 2018 | trying to raise humans

Grace wandered into my office this morning as I again watched the memorial video my team created this year to honor the colleagues we lost during the attacks on the Twin Towers. She stood silently by my side for a few seconds, then shifted her eyes to their corners to catch a glimpse of my reaction to what was playing on the screen. As always, when it comes to any media related to this day, they were rimmed with tears. Tears teetering on the edge, threatening to make their journey down my face. She flicked her eyes back to my laptop, and put her left hand softly on my shoulder. Gavin then wandered in, and stood behind us. He crept closer as pictures of those lost and the resulting memorials flashed on my screen, and rested his chin on my head. When the video finished, Gavin sighed sadly and walked out silently. Grace looked at me and said, “Oh. It’s September 11th today.” I nodded to confirm the date and stood up as I gently encouraged her to finish the morning routine. I sat with her as she ate breakfast…taking care of a few things on my personal laptop at the same time. She said, “I forgot it was September 11th. I guess we’ll talk about it at school. I remember a lot about it, but I still don’t understand why it happened.” Neither do I, baby, neither do I. I gave her a brief overview of the day’s events, and pulled up a few facts so she could read through ahead of the expected discussion in class. It’s a bit – and by bit, I mean ever so slightly – easier now that they are older. They are a bit more wise, and have started learning history, so they are aware that, well, atrocious, inexplicable things sometimes happen. A little bit of innocence traded for a little bit of knowledge. Nothing’s truly free, it seems. She then said, “Where were you? At your office in New York?” Thankfully, no, I didn’t start this particular job until 10 months later, and I was working in Philadelphia. But I can tell you exactly what I was doing. My eyes grew hot and tears threatened to return as I remembered exactly what I was doing that morning. She stared at me intently. She really doesn’t miss a trick. As she grows, I am realizing it’s so important that I handle my emotions properly and take care as I shepherd her through things that cause an emotional reaction for me so she has her own experience, not a version of my experience. I decided to be honest and more vulnerable than I typically allow myself to be in front of her and said, “You know what, sweetie? This is hard for mommy to talk about without crying. And sometimes, when things are hard for Mommy to talk about like that, I prefer to write them down. That helps me express myself better. I wrote about where I was that day – do you want to see it?” Her hands were already pulling my laptop away from me as she nodded her head. I chuckled and told her to give me a minute to pull up the links of a few things I’ve jotted down over the years as I grappled with marking this occasion appropriately as a young family. She ate the rest of her breakfast while reading, occasionally grimacing or nodding ‘mmmhmm’, but mostly just reading. My phone rang a few minutes later, so I had to take a call while she finished up and went to brush her teeth. On the way out the front door together, she unexpectedly slipped her little hand in mine and squeezed tight as she said, “That made me so sad. I am really sorry that happened. I still don’t know why anyone would do things like that.” I squeezed back and assured her that neither do I. Neither do I. Remembering all those loved and lost. Xx. #NeverForget *** Here are the posts I shared with Grace today:
National 9/11 Memorial Area in Photos
Reflection and Awakening
https://goingwestcoastal.com/2013/09/11/remembering/
When Your Daughter Says “I’m Not Pretty!”

When Your Daughter Says “I’m Not Pretty!”

Mar 8, 2018 | trying to raise humans

Last night, as always, I went in to give Grace a kiss goodnight before flopping into bed myself. It’s one of my favorite (and only!) rituals. Typically, she’s asleep, and I witness every parent’s favorite moment: the sheer angelic serenity and peace that seemingly only a sleeping child can exude. I usually softly sweep her hair into a loose braid, to free her face and neck from its twirly embrace for a short while. I kiss her forehead, whisper sentiments that fit whatever type of day she’s had, and head off to find my own serenity and peace. Ok, 42 doesn’t usually invite the most serene and peaceful rest, but I’ll take whatever rest that comes my way gratefully and without question. 

Last night, however, brought a twist. Grace’s eyes fluttered open as I started my goodnight ritual. I asked if she was ok. She was not. She flipped her head, and burrowed her furrowed brow into the pillow. I laid down beside her and rubbed her back, asking her to share what was wrong. She refused as her burrowed, furrowed brow unfurled into tears. And the tears quickly built into body-racking sobs. “Oh, sweetie,” I said as I gently rubbed her back. “You can tell me when you’re ready.”

Minutes ticked by. And ticked by. And ticked by. I stayed there, silently comforting her by making small gentle circles on her back with the palm of my hand.

She finally blurted out three words I suspect every daughter’s mom never hopes to hear but likely will at some point, “I’m not pretty!”

Whoa.

I was a bit shocked and gulped and fumbled through some tired (but true!) platitude along the lines of that’s not true and it’s what’s on the inside that counts. As I heard those words coming out of my mouth, I quickly snapped back to reality, knowing I needed to do more here.

“I’m not pretty.” A familiar thought, sure, but shocking coming from Grace. I mean, we’ve all been there. We’ve all had that inner dialogue. I don’t remember having awareness of my face or hair or other physical attributes at 9, but I certainly had that awareness in high school and various points beyond. 9 seems young to me. A bit too young.

“Being pretty” isn’t something I really ever talk about – not just in front of Grace, but really ever. Those of you that see me on the reg know that “casual comfort” is more my thing to put it nicely. 🤗 I do like to look presentable, but that’s usually the extent of it. “Neat and presentable” are about the extent of our rules when leaving the house at this point. So, needless to say, I wasn’t sure why Grace had determined that “pretty” was an adjective that didn’t fit her.

I gently asked her if someone said that to her.
They hadn’t.

I asked her why she might feel that way. She shook her head. She cried some more. She sighed. And she shared a few experiences she’d been involved in related to rating people’s “cuteness level” and “fashion”. 😱 At 9 and 10 years old. When tee shirts and twirly skirts and hoodies and stretch pants and shorts and characters and puppies and unicorns and toys and sports and music and dance and art and fun and games and playing whatever you want with whomever you want in whatever you want to wear should be life and embraced with reckless abandon while you are still under the watchful eyes and hearts of parents and other responsible adults who will protect you from anything too crazy or devious.

But here we were. Facing some of the social pressures of impending tween and teen and adult life – and IRL, not behind the cloak of social media. Facing tricky topics. Feeling discomfort and vulnerability and confusion and self-doubt because of new experiences that shouldn’t really be experiences anyone faces. But such is life.

I expanded upon my platitude to give her more context. I told her that “pretty” means different things to different people. And that’s why we always tell her things like be kind, try hard, help someone out, etc. because everyone understands those things the same way. I told her beauty changes over time and kindness doesn’t, as an example. That, yes, at first, people will notice what people look like on the outside and that makes sense because it means their eyes are working. It only becomes a problem when how people look matters most / above all else because doing that can prevent you from getting to know someone and you could miss the chance to make a new friend. Also, it can make other people feel bad. “Like I do?”, she asked. Yep, like you do, but like you shouldn’t because you have all these amazing qualities that people love.

I told her a funny thing happens when you know someone for an increasing length of time: what they look like fades into the background. It becomes a blur. Your focus shifts – often without you realizing – to how being around a person makes you feel. And whether they are “pretty” or “cute” doesn’t matter as much because being around them makes you feel happy and alive and good and like the best version of yourself. And that’s pretty. Beautiful even.

So, today, on International Women’s Day, why not have a discussion about kindness and inclusion and empowering / supporting / embracing the best in others? No one is ever too young (or too old!) for that. And you could very well help someone change their inner dialogue for the better.

Happy International Women’s Day!
#iwd2018 #pressforprogress #kindisthenewpretty#changetheinnerdialogue # #herstoryourstory